A Few Jokes That I Head At The Club Last Night

[Hoops]

I heard on appeal Schapelle has been sentenced to death by stoning -

She's asked for her boogy board back and a cigarette lighter

 

[Tallgum]

Hey fellars , whats Chapelles favourite song.

"BLAME IT ON THE BOOGIE"

 

[voota]

This is a bit wrong, but here goes

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident."
"OH MY GOD! Will she be alright?" Harry asks.
The Doctor replies, "Well I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that the injuries are pretty severe. She's a quadriplegic which means she's lost the use of her arms and legs and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God, that's terrible!! W-w-what's the good news?"
The doctor says, "The good news is that I'm kidding. She's dead."

 

[voota]

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing football or working out at the gym.
His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
The stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

[voota]

Two dyslexics are standing in the kitchen. one says to the other

"can u smell gas?"

the other one replies

"no way, i cant even smell my name."

 

[voota]

a man goes into the doctors with a bit of lettuce hangin out of his arse, the doctor says,

" ooh that looks nasty"

"Nasty? its just the tip of the fuckin iceberg"

 

[voota]

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is made of plastic and unsafe for children to play with, the other is to carry shopping.

 

[voota]

A woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains.
Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week .
The woman comes back and says

'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?'
to which the doctor replies

'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'.
So the woman says

'Oh, I am going to have a baby?'

and the doctor says

'No, you've got bowel cancer'.

 

[Jino]

Schapelle Corby's beauty salon's new slogan For women who have lost their appeal.